ARSENAL SNOOZE REVIEW

Not so much about Arsenal, but about me.

by Giles Palmer

At last my plans for worldwide domination are starting to take shape.

Not only have Hodges & Figgis and Waterstones nearly sold out of my bestselling book about Arsene Wenger, 'The Teacher', which I wrote all by myself, I've now been given my very own column here on Arseblog.

When I was first approached, I decided I'd better talk it over with some people, so I called up my old friend, George Best. George and I used to go drinking and clubbing around Kensington in the 70s, and we shared the odd Miss World, as you do. As I told him about this new offer he said "...*hic*...who tha fack is this...*hic*...ow, my liver".

Poor George, if only he'd learned to randomly type things in bold font he wouldn't have the problems he's suffering with today.

So, off I went to down to Robert Palmer's house (no relation, honest), and I helped him write his comeback album which should be released some time next year. I called HMV on Oxford Street up and a nice chap called Dermot told me they'd never seen advance orders like it.

Arsenal have a big game tomorrow against Manchester United. Can they win it? Of course. Can they lose it? Of course. Can they draw it? Of course. Me, I'm not going to make any predictions, it's just not in my nature.

Should Seaman start in goal? Only Arsene Wenger, about whom I wrote a bestselling book called 'The Teacher' (available in all good bookstrores), can answer that. Personally, I think he's too old now. I've studied the videos, and the ponytail adds at least 4kg to his body weight. Arsene's training methods just cannot deal with such folicular extravagance.

Henry vs Van Nistelrooy - it bores me now. I haven't written any kind of book about either of those two and to be perfectly honest, I'm not going to. I remember seeing David Bowie do his Ziggy Stardust farewell gig in the Hammersmith Odeon and saying to my chum Trevor that if Bertie Mee could sign him for Arsenal, they'd certainly retain the league that season. They didn't and Leeds went on to win the league. So I started supporting Chelsea, because it was London man. The 70s man. Chelsea man. Then the 80s came and Chelsea lost it.

Arsene Wenger arrived at Arsenal and I was having a turkish bath with Brian Glanville - just after he'd been deported from Italy for urinating in the pasta pot in Luigi's gorgeous little ristorante just beside the San Siro. "There's a book in this for me" I said.

Brian smiled and let the towel fall seductively away from his skeletal frame. "My advice to you is to get a website, and plug this book like nobody has ever plugged a book before". I ran away, but to this day I haven't been able to get the picture of a dripping wet Brian Glanville out of my mind.

So in conclusion, I'm glad to be on board here at Arseblog, and I hope you're all going to enjoy my increasingly eccentric ramblings, bold type and the fact that I write less and less about football each time. I'm going commando today, did I mention? Oooh, it doesn't half chafe.

God bless, and don't forget if you need something to read this Christmas, WH Smith in Market Weighton, Humberside still has 2 signed copies of 'The Teacher'.

Dec 6th